


Still

by Hey_Angel1989



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_Angel1989/pseuds/Hey_Angel1989
Summary: Do not read unless you’re ready to cry.
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Take a deep breath. 

It’ll be over before you know it, just take one step forward...and then another...and then another and you’ll be safe. No matter what...just don’t turn around. Just keep moving forward.

“hey”

He looked up, his breath hitched but then it went back to normal again. 

Niall...thank god. He thought to himself. The younger boy pulled him in for a hug before pulling back, placing his hands in his jacket.

He was talking a mile a minute.

Zayn was lost in his own mind. 

He must’ve been obvious because Niall was looking at him weird now.

“Everything alright lad?” Niall asked. 

Zayn nodded. “Yeah, ‘m just a bit tired that’s all.” he said softly. He looked around the room, looking for signs of any other people. “So are they-”

“Yeah they all finished actually” Niall cut him off, knowing where his question was headed. “They asked me to stay behind to see if you’d show up.” 

Zayn looked down, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Not that you wouldn’t show up...I mean..im glad you did. It’s great to see you. How’s Perrie by the way?” Niall rambled trying to make it seem like he didn’t call Zayn what he was.

A flake.

“It’s fine” he said shortly. “I’m gonna go film, yeah?” Zayn looked at the back of the room. He saw a set with some cameras and a makeshift staircase. They’d designed it perfectly. 

He made his way over, leaving Niall whom he knew was texting the others. They’d probably placed bets on if he’d show or not. 

Zayn took a seat on the second to last row of the blue staircase and waited for the crew to begin. 

He stared off into the camera. 

I wonder if Harry still hates my guts, he thought. He still had the voicemail on his phone, could remember the whole thing by heart now.

“You’re a coward, you know that? How could you not-”

“Zayn? Are you ready?” He snapped out of the daydream and looked up, swallowing his guilt and took a long and deep breath.

“Yeah” he said, clearing his throat. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

The producer nodded, pulling out his sheet of questions, beginning well...at the end.


	2. Chapter 2

_February 2015_

Shoes. So many fucking shoes and not enough suitcase spots. He tried to reorganize the positioning, but nothing seemed to allow his sneakers to stay. He grunted, attempting to push harder on the suitcase with both hands, and trying to put as much body mass as possible on it so the fucking thing would shut.

“Fucking close!” he yelled at the inanimate object. Huffing before hearing the giggle behind him.

“It’s not funny,” he pouted, turning towards his girlfriend, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in. “How am I supposed to look stylish without my sneakers!” he stuck his bottom lip out, causing Eleanor to shake her head.

“Love,” she laughed and pulled away. “Just hold onto them and ask one of the boys to fit them in their case.”

“It’s not that easy,” Louis sighed. “What if they lose them? I’ll be so lost.” he pouted again, pulling her back by her waist.

She rolled her eyes with a smirk, “God you’d think the world was gonna end without your sneakers, my lord. Just give them to Zayn, I’m sure he’ll protect them with his life.” she laughed before giving her boyfriend a quick peck and walking off.


	3. Chapter 3

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he began. “I mean...I know I…” Zayn paused. Trying to gather his thoughts. He took a deep breath and started over.

“I didn’t want it to end up this way I mean,” he explained. “When I left I...I was just so drained. I felt like everything in my life was so controlled and for once in my life i could just do whatever I wanted you know? I thought to myself there’s the door. There’s the light at the end of this tunnel and all I have to do is just...walk away.”

Zayn bit his bottom lip, before looking back up at the camera. 

“It had nothing to do with them,” he explained, starting to get heated. He didn’t know what’d come over him but the thought of defending himself took hold of his mind. “It’s not like I was like ‘oh lets hurt my friends, why not just fuck up the thing we’ve been working on for five years.’ Do I look like an idiot?I just wanted a fucking break and..and I wasn’t even the first one to suggest it so no I didn’t do this to hurt him.”

“Him?” the producer interjected. 

Zayn’s eyes shifted to the staircase step below him, imagining a figure sitting there smiling up at him. That thought was darkened quickly and he felt a bit of numbness come over his body. Zayn swallowed whatever lump was in his throat and nodded.

“Them,” he corrected himself. “I didn’t do this to hurt the fans.”

He shook his head. 

“I bet they only told you one side of the story anyway,” he scoffed. “What’d Liam say? Did he say I just walked out one day and never said goodbye? Because that didn’t fucking happen. That’s not..” the anger was causing him to feel flushed. “That’s a lie. And whatever Harry said? Well it was just a farce to make him look like the angel in the whole ordeal.”

He could feel like his eyes start to burn. He quickly wiped his eyes before rubbing the bridge of his nose. Zayn composed himself.

“I told them what I wanted and they couldn’t give it to me so what else was I supposed to do?” he asked. “What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and fake being happy for god knows how many more years?”

Zayn sighed, resting his head against the staircase itself and closed his eyes for a moment, thinking back to that night.


	4. Chapter 4

_March 14, 2015_

“WOOOOH!” Liam yelled running off the stage, skipping past his bandmates and into the dressing room to claim his spot in the shower first. He was surprised to not hear them following behind. Sure they usually fucked around for a bit, but it was quiet...too quiet for a night like tonight. 

He stepped out of the shower, drying himself before throwing on a clean pair of clothes. He looked around the dressing room, seeing only a few people from the crew and management. All of them looking like they were avoiding telling him something. He stood there confused.

“Where are the boys?” he asked. 

“Van.” someone replied shortly. “C’mon let's head to the hotel.” 

Liam nodded, unsure why everything felt so...off. He was quickly ushered into the van, taking his seat next to Niall.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

He looked at the younger boy, scrunching his eyebrows. Niall just shook his head and looked forward. 

Not a single word was spoken until they got upstairs, all of them walking to their separate rooms. Silently. 

But Harry didn’t have that in mind. He followed to Zayn’s room, pushing him in as the door swung open.

Niall, Louis and Liam looked up as they heard the thud.

“What the fuck do you mean?” Harry snapped. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re joking aren’t you?

The three boys quickly ran to the door, grabbing it before it shut. Inside they saw their two bandmates, jaws clenched looking like they were about to trade blows. Louis and Liam acted quickly and pulled the friends apart. Liam holding Zayn back and Louis with Harry. 

“What gives you the right to decide how _I’m_ going to live _my_ life?” Zayn spat at Harry. “I told you fucking weeks ago!”

“I thought you were being fucking dramatic Zayn...are you kidding me right now? You think you can just leave in the middle of a tour?” Harry snapped, leaning forward, making it harder for Louis to hold him back. “You’re being fucking selfish that’s what you’re being.”

“Selfish? I’m looking out for myself for once! Sorry not everything revolves around you Harry,” Zayn said.

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?!” Liam shouted, letting go of Zayn from his grip. His voice got soft. “Are you thinking about leaving?” 

Zayn opened his mouth to speak but Harry jumped in before him. 

“Yes Liam, he is because he’s a coward,” Harry sneered. Louis looked at Harry, giving him a look. 

“Guys let’s go easy on the name-calling yeah?” Louis said. Niall interjected, agreeing. “Yeah lets not say anything we don’t mean.”

They looked at Zayn, waiting for his response.

“I just want a break,” he looked directly at Louis as he spoke. “I can’t go through this every single day. I...I feel like I’m drowning.”

Louis looked at Liam and Niall concerned.

“I feel like I’m putting all of this work into something I’m not in love with anymore and i…” Zayn looked down. “I just can’t fake it anymore I’m sorry.”

Louis let go of Harry as he felt his friends shoulders fall.

“Fake it?” Harry asked. “You mean you’ve been faking this for how long? Faking what? Being happy or loving music or being our friend?”

“That’s not what I-” 

“Which is it Zayn.”

“I don’t have to answer that question.”

“You’re right, because you just did.” 

Harry shook his head, brushing past Niall before mumbling about needing a drink. He let the door slam on his way out.

It was silent for a few minutes after Harry left. None of them knew what to say. What could you say?

Niall sat on the ground, resting his head against the wall as he looked up at the ceiling, wondering if this was the end.

Liam sat on the bed, his head between his hands, trying to figure out how he was gonna fix this.

And Louis? Louis just stood there, numbly staring at Zayn who couldn’t even look him in the eye.

“I’m gonna go home,” Zayn broke the silence. “After Hong Kong yeah?” 

They just nodded. No words.

No words as Liam stood up, resting a hand on Zayns shoulder. No words as he walked over to Niall and helped him up. No words as the door slammed behind them. 

No words as Louis stared at his best friend, waiting for him to say literally anything.

“You can go now too,” Zayn said in a hushed voice, not breaking eye contact with the floor.

Heartbroken, Louis did as he was asked. 

“Good luck,” Louis said quietly before walking out the door and letting the tears well up in his eyes. 


	5. Chapter 5

_May 2015_

“I hate him”

“No you don’t you just,” she sighed. “You just need time.”

“I don’t need time, I fucking hate him.”

“Babe you don’t mean that, he’s your best mate and-”

“Was”

Eleanor bit her lip and nodded, resting her head on Louis’ chest as he checked his twitter replies. He was angry. Angry at one person.

She didn’t want to push it. It’d been a sore subject for the past few months and every time she brought it up, he’d end up crying and having an existential crisis about the future of the group. So this time she just laid there, holding his hand and using the other to shut the laptop.

She looked up at her boyfriend, “It’s going to be okay,” she said softly. “Maybe you should try to talk to him...nicely?”

Louis just shook his head.

“He abandoned us El. He’s nothing to me now,” Louis said before wrapping his arms around her. “I don’t need him anymore.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Do you want to talk about the incident?”

“Which one?” Zayn let out a laugh before situating himself back in a more presentable position on the stairs. He licked his lips, knowing what the producer was referencing.

“It did get better you know,” Zayn explained. “Louis made it seem like we never talked again but we did. It was small talk here and there but I didn’t…” he tried to choose his words wisely. “When his mom got sick I did reach out and we did make up and when she passed.”

He paused.

“He wouldn’t have believed me if I told him that night why I wasn’t there.”

“Was it because of the other guys?” the producer interjected.

“If it was, would that have been a better excuse?” Zayn asked. He shook his head. “No I..I had a ticket that morning to fly out. I was going to do it and I got all the way to LAX, got through security, but I just couldn’t board the plane.”

“Why not?”

“I had this full blown panic attack, thinking about how I was going to have to be in a room filled with people who despise me. Not even just the boys...the fans...Simon? Fucking Simon.” he shook his head again and ran his hand through his hair. “I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t face them knowing that I’d hurt all of them and I just didn’t want to make a spectacle of me being there and..”

“So why didn’t you just go to the funeral instead?”

“I..I don’t know,” Zayn froze. “I was a coward I guess.”

He looked down, beginning to pick at his fingernails. He remembered that day like a movie. Like a scene he’d rehearsed a thousand times.

He’d been sitting on his porch, Perrie was playing with their new puppy when he heard his phone buzz. He jogged over to it, seeing a familiar number calling. He looked back at Perrie who was smiling and laughing in the grass and accepted the call.

“You’re a fucking asshole you know that?” the caller growled. He could hear the boy getting choked up on the other line. Like he’d been crying. “You’re such a shit person that you couldn’t come to her funeral? Are you kidding me Zayn? What is wrong with you?”

His voice was shaky. Zayn didn’t know what to say.

“Harry I-” he tried to explain. He wanted to say he was sorry. But he didn’t. For some reason he just couldn’t find the words.

“No. Don’t even try.” Harry snapped. “You know what? I really hope you enjoy your life because I want nothing of it. He needed you Zayn. He needed you but you weren’t there. You’re a coward. A fucking coward.”

The line went dead.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis had never seen something more beautiful. She looked gorgeous. Everything about her was amazing to him. Her eyes, her lips, her hair, the way she sounded when she called his name. He felt so lucky to be able to call her his girl, and now...in just under two hours, he’d be able to call her his wife.

He looked in the mirror, fixing his hair before tending to his tie.

This day was going to be perfect. It had to be, because that’s what he wanted for Eleanor. He wanted her to feel special. To feel whole.   
He wanted this night to be everything she had dreamed as well. He smiled as he thought about her. 

As lost in love as he was, he was brought out by a few taps on the door frame. He turned, smiling to see who had entered.

“Tommo!” Liam ran to hug his friend first. He squeezed the other tight, before cupping his face. “Mate you look incredible! Really. God I’m so proud of you”

Louis blushed lightly and turned his smile towards the others as they embraced him as well.

“You really outdid yourself eh?” Niall laughed pulling out of his hug. “God you’d think you were marrying the Queen!” 

Louis smirked a bit. 

“I’m really glad you guys came,” he said. “Really I hope you know it means everything that you’re here with me. I know we haven’t talked in a while but i-”

Harry cut him off.

“Lou, it doesn’t matter if we don’t speak for a decade, we’ll always be here for you,” he said as he placed a hand on his friends shoulder. “You can't get rid of us that easily anyway.”

Louis laughed, before taking a deep breath and stretching his arms a little. He looked up at the clock and out towards one of the windows to the garden. It was a fair amount of people gathered. Both of their families were mingling, everything seemed perfect in that moment. 

He turned back towards the group. 

“Well I should probably start heading down soon yeah?” he spoke kindly, signaling that it was time for the others to go take their seats. He gave them each one last hug before walking back to that window. He looked out, scanning the area to see if he could find-

“Did you invite him?” Liam asked as he approached the window beside Louis. 

Louis was startled a little, not realizing Liam had stayed behind. He nodded.

“Eleanor told me I should,” he sighed, placing his hands in his pockets. “He did send me a text not too long ago, about three months maybe?”

Louis moved away from the window and sat in one of the chairs. 

“Something about Perrie and the baby...I told him about the wedding and he said he’d try his best to make it so,” Louis shrugged. “I doubt he will though. Need to learn to lower my expectations with him.”

Liam frowned and sat across from Louis, looking as a wave of emotions poured over his friend. 

“I just don’t know why I care so much,” he laughed ironically. “It’s so fucking stupid Liam. Why do I care so much about a friendship he cares nothing for?”

Louis leaned his head back, closing his eyes before taking a deep breath. Louis was annoyed. He was annoyed and angry that he’d let Zayn get in his head again. He shook his head before facing Liam again.

“I must look like a complete ass,” Louis said, twirling a piece of his hair anxiously. “Do I look like an ass? Am i the ass Liam?”

Liam shook his head, waiting patiently for his friend to calm down. 

“When is this going to stop? When am I going to realize that he just wants no part in this friendship? Did he ever?” Louis said as he stood up, trying to catch his breath. “Was he telling the truth in those interviews Liam? Were we not even his friends?”

“Lou-”

“What did we do to him? I know we fought but...but I thought,”

“It takes time Lou-”

“Liam it’s been fucking years. It’s been fucking years and he doesn’t want anything to do with us. And if it was just the band I-I would understand but…”

Louis paused.

“But I thought he was my best friend”

“He was”

“Then why isn’t he here Liam? Why is it that I’m willing to forgive him for literally everything, but he can’t even show up to my fucking wedding.”

Liam sighed, before standing up and pulling Louis in. “Breathe” he whispered. “Just breathe.”

Louis rested his head on Liam’s shoulder, letting him hold him tightly. Liam felt like a security blanket. Like the only thing that could calm Louis down in that moment. Louis let his breaths match Liams, composing himself before pulling away slowly. 

Liam wiped a loose tear from Louis' eye.

“You’re not an ass,” he said softly as he attempted to fix his friends slightly disheveled hair. “You just need to do what he did.”

“Be a shit person?” 

Liam chuckled and shook his head no. “No you need to allow yourself to move on.” Liam shrugged. “It doesn’t mean you have to hate him for the rest of your life, you just need to recognize that his chapter in the story of your life is over now.”

Louis nodded slowly.

“You know Liam for a bit of a wanker, you're pretty good at advice,” he smirked. 

Liam playfully hit Louis on the head and rolled his eyes. He looked up at the clock.

“Well Mr. Tomlinson,” Liam grinned, fixing Louis’ tie a bit. “Looks like it’s time for you to tie the knot.”

Liam pat Louis on the shoulder before giving him one last hug. “I really am proud of you mate and she would be too” he said before pulling away and walking towards the door. “Don’t forget to breathe!”

Louis took one last look at the garden, took a deep breath and another look in the mirror before smiling at himself. I did do a pretty good job didn’t I. He thought to himself before nodding up some confidence and walking out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

“Do you have a favorite?”

Zayn looked up, blinking slowly. “A favorite what?” 

“Memory of the band”

“Oh…” Zayn chewed on his bottom lip for a second trying to think. He scratched his head before looking back at the camera. “Yeah I uh..I suppose I have a couple.” he nodded. 

Tours could get lonely sometimes. 

It’s interesting how lonely you can get even when you’re surrounded by a dozen people every single day. Your routine becomes monotonous, same breakfast, same lunch. Same four people staring back at you every day. Same schedule filled with the same questions from interviewers who think they’re quirky for getting you to play two truths and a lie. 

It gets tedious.

It gets tiring and exhausting and you want to just quit but the thing that keeps you going every night is knowing there’s thousands of fans there to see you every night.

But even that gets exhausting sometimes.

It’d be an easy answer to say that the shows were where the best memories happened, but then that’d be a lie. Sure, they were incredible, but the memories Zayn can remember? The ones that stick in his mind when he goes to sleep at night and holds Perrie in his arms? Those were the ones made behind the scenes.

It’s a funny way that these memories work, it’s not the big things, not the awards or the accolades. It’s the little things. The times where he felt...normal.

Louis did a good job with that. Making people feel normal.

He had a keen eye for telling if someone was having a bad day, after all we’d all gotten very good at hiding it. He just..he just knew when you needed a break, and he’d do anything he could to help.

Zayn remembers one time, in the later years of the band when he’d been having one of those days. They might have been in New Zealand or maybe it was Australia, he couldn’t remember. But he had been drained. Drained for weeks actually. All he wanted to do was lay in his bunk all day and sleep, but he knew that wouldn’t be the case. Even though it was their ‘day off’ that didn’t mean much. 

They’d still have to be herded around to radio interviews and he didn’t feel like getting a call from management wondering why he skipped out on them.

Louis must’ve recognized that Zayn had been feeling off because an hour before the wake-up call, Zayn was awoken to the smiling face of Louis Tomlinson at his bunk. Despite Zayn’s grumbles of being overtired, he complied with his friend, exiting the bunk. 

“What are we doing up so early” Zayn whispered, rubbing his sleepy eyes and yawning. 

Louis smiled mischievously.

“Playing hooky” he whispered back with a smirk. 

“Lou- we can’t we’ll get in trouble”

Louis shook his head and smiled. “Don’t worry lad, I have it all under control, it’s all a part of the plan.” Louis reached into Zayn's duffle bag and tossed him some clothes before walking towards the edge of the bus. “C’mon now, you don’t want to wake the boys do you?” 

Zayn shook his head, knowing this would probably cost them a good telling off, but alas he followed.

Somehow they managed to sneak off the bus that morning without anyone noticing. Somehow they were able to make it to a secluded area where Zayn could just...breathe.

They sat out at that park for what felt like hours, just breathing in the smell of the salt water. Just listening to each other's thoughts. Louis talked a lot, but not in those moments. It’s like he knew that Zayn needed him in those times, so he did all he could to just be there. It didn’t matter if Zayn wanted to cry about his stress or if he just wanted to sit in silence. 

Louis was just there. Because that’s the kind of person he was. He was the person who was there for people.

They’d only missed a few interviews that day, but you’d think they’d killed someone by the way management spoke to them. But Louis wasn’t going to let that ruin Zayn’s day. So he took the fall for it, said he’d pulled a prank or something on the boys and tricked Zayn into it. 

Selfless.

Those were the memories that Zayn never wanted to forget.


	9. Chapter 9

“Are you serious? Please tell me you’re serious,” he jumped up, lifting her in the process and spinning her around. “I’m gonna be a daddy again?”

He placed her back down, his arms draped over her shoulder’s tears welling up in his eyes. Eleanor nodded and pulled him back for a kiss. 

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” he laughed and began to dance. “Oh fuck this is incredible news.” He cheered, grabbing her face once more and kissing her deeply. “Fuck I gotta tell someone! I gotta tell everyone!”   
Eleanor laughed as Louis ran out of the room and out to their balcony. She followed behind, trying to cover her laughter as he screamed to the world that he, Louis Tomlinson was going to be a father again. They both fell to the ground laughing when one of their neighbors yelled back “shut up!”

He held Eleanor by his side as they walked back in the house. They both slumped into the couch, smiling from ear to ear. 

They never stopped smiling. For the next nine months, Louis catered to Eleanor’s every need. He built a nursery to go next to Freddie’s room. He worked tirelessly making sure the entire home was baby proof. 

He dealt with all of her cravings, all the mood swings, all the ups and downs. When they found out they were having a girl, Louis broke down in tears. 

Louis was happy.

After years of trying to figure out where he belonged. After years of heartbreak and pain and grief, he finally was happy. 

A few days before what would be the birth of his second child, the now-content with life man sat on his porch smoking a cigar. Some call it fate, others say it just took a little time, but at 3:45 p.m. on that Sunday afternoon, his phone rang.

He looked down, confused to see the number appear. He froze a bit. He’d rehearsed this in his mind years ago, going over exactly what he was going to say to this...person, but it all vanished when he hit accept.

“Hello?” Louis answered, pretending like his heart wasn’t in his throat.

“Hey..” Zayn cleared his throat. “Hey its...its Zayn.” 

The call went silent for a moment. Mostly because Louis didn’t know if he should take the high road and be kind or ask why the fuck he was calling him. Zayn broke the silence.

“Zayn Malik”

“Zayn I know who you are,” Louis let out a light chuckle. “I-how are you?”

Louis chose to take the high road, which was good because he could almost sense Zayn’s anxiety on the other line. He could hear the boy trying to compose his shaky breaths.

“Lou I-” he choked out.

It took him a minute of silence before Louis decided to interject. 

“I’m..im not mad Zayn,” he said softly, putting out his cigar. “I’m not mad anymore. You don’t have to apologize...it’s in the past.”

“You mean that?” Zayn whimpered. “How can you just forgive me...just like that? I...I was a horrible-” 

“Z...stop,” Louis replied. “I didn’t forget what happened, I just moved on just like you did okay I..I just figured I needed to let go of the friendship that was hanging on by loose ends. But I don’t hate you, not anymore at least.”

They paused for a moment, before Zayn let out another shaky reply. 

“Is there anything I can do to get you to forgive me?” he asked, weary of the reply he’d get.

Louis took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair before thinking about what to say. Personally he had gone back and forth with if he’d forgive Zayn, but ultimately it was gonna come down to a final test. A test to see if he really cared.

“What are you doing this week?” 

“What do you mean?” Zayn asked.

“Well...Eleanor is basically about to burst, and it's been a long time since you’ve seen her or Freddie so, why don’t you come stay with us for a few days?”

“So you’re saying if I babysit Freddie while Eleanor is in labor you’ll forgive me?” 

Louis let out a laugh, “yeah” he nodded. “Yeah sure we can start there.”

Louis smiled as he got off the phone. It was odd, after years of rehearsing that phone call, he’d always imagined it ending with anger or a snarky reply. He’d always imagined that he’d get on the call and just let out everything, but he couldn’t muster it up. He didn’t lie when he told Zayn he wasn’t angry anymore, because honestly he wasn’t.

He rarely thought of him. His memories only being brought back when he’d be referenced in interviews. But other than that, nothing.

It did make him feel happy though. He felt happy to know he had his friend back in his life.


	10. Chapter 10

This time, Zayn got on the plane.

He got on the plane and he flew to London. 

Was there a ball of anxiety in his stomach? Did he want to throw up? Both yes’s, but this time...this time he couldn’t turn around. He didn’t know it was this newfound confidence or the fact that Perrie had pushed him out the door, but he was doing it. 

As the plane landed, he received a text from Louis.

“Hey mate, change of plans! Eleanor has gone into labor, I’m on my way to the hospital now. Freddie should be home in about an hour, he knows you're coming so just hang with him until I come pick you guys up. I’ll shoot you a text when I’m on my way. Thx, key is under gnome.”

Zayn took a deep breath and grabbed his bag from the overhead container. Great, he thought, my first interaction with the Tomlinson’s in 10 years will be sitting with a 10 year old I’ve never met. 

As he rode through the cab towards what Louis called home now, Zayn couldn’t help but smile. Louis had done pretty well for himself obviously, but he’d still chosen the most modest looking home in all of London. 

As they pulled up to the driveway, Zayn thanked the cab and walked up to the door, letting himself in. He called out for Freddie to see if he was home.

“Kitchen!” a tiny voice called. 

Zayn gently dropped his bag on the ground and walked towards the kitchen, seeing the mini version of Louis making a PB&J. 

“Hi I’m Zayn, I’m your dad’s friend” Zayn said smiling sweetly, sitting down on the barstool. 

Freddie nodded, “I know! He talks about you all the time.” he said before biting down into his sandwich, getting peanut butter on the sides of his face. 

Zayn laughed, “Oh does he?” He reached to grab the peanut butter and jelly and began putting them away.

He assumed they weren’t always the nicest things, but he didn’t want to snoop. Freddie moved to the couch and turned on some Spongebob while he ate his lunch. Zayn sat a few couch cushions away and zoned off with Freddie for a few hours until he heard a buzz from the kitchen counter.

He hopped up to see Louis’ name flash across the screen. Quickly he picked up.  
“It’s a beautiful baby girl!” He cheered happily. “Eleanor is exhausted and the baby is sound asleep, so I’m gonna head over to pick you two up yeah? Sound good?” 

“Sounds great!” Zayn replied. 

“Alright, I’m getting in the car now, I should be there in half an hour. Love you, see you soon!” Louis said before hanging up the phone.

It was after an hour passed that Zayn felt like something was wrong. He didn’t know why but it was something in the pit of his stomach. Like a stomach ache that wouldn’t go away. He opened his phone to see if he had any missed messages, nothing. 

He dialed Louis' number, no answer, straight to voicemail. 

He looked over at Freddie. The child mindlessly watching cartoons. He felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Hey Freddie?” he called. The child looked over. “Why don’t we go watch Spongebob in your mom and dad’s room?”

Freddie shrugged and followed, sitting on the bed and resuming his show.

Zayn, numb with fear turned on the TV in the living room again, bringing it to a hushed tone. He flipped to the news and let out a choked sob.


	11. Chapter 11

_Police are investigating what seems to be a serious crash at the intersection of Cudworth and Buckhurst Street. Upon preliminary investigation it seems as though the SUV was headed northbound when a truck that had run a red light collided with the drivers side. The driver, whom officials are describing as a 34-year-old man is listed as critical condition and has been taken to a local hospital for treatment._

Numb.

Thats all he felt.

Numb.

He turned off the TV, his body feeling as though it was in slow motion. What was he supposed to do? Freddie. Gotta get Freddie somewhere. He walked to the kitchen, his hands shaking as he looked through their emergency contacts. He could barely flip a page let alone dial a phone right now.

He took a deep breath, knowing if he didn’t keep moving he’d fall to the floor. Don't think, just do. He picked up the phone and dialed one of the emergency contacts. He didn’t have time to explain because honestly he didn’t even know if that was Louis but he...he felt it.

After calling and getting Freddie situated, he sped over to the hospital. As he sat in the back of the cab, he did his best to keep the stomach ache from coming up. All he wanted to do was throw up. He wanted to throw up right now in this cab.

The driver pulled quickly into the drop off area and Zayn lept out of the vehicle, sprinting to the front desk.

After begging for answers, he was escorted to a separate waiting room.

He sat there, for what felt like hours. He counted the tiles on the ceiling. He counted how many nurses ran by, how many times he heard the beeps...the fucking heart monitors.

He felt his own blood pounding in his ears. His vision, no matter how many times he tried to rub his eyes was becoming blurry. Nauseous. He felt nauseous again.

Please don’t do this now, he whimpered to himself. Please god not now. Not right now, please fucking let me get through this.

He tried to control his breathing. He tried to count slowly, tried to put his mind at ease, but it was no use. He clenched the sides of the chairs as he felt himself losing his breath. He couldn’t hold it in any longer, so he ran.

He ran out the room, out to the grass beside the building and clenched his chest, trying not to sob as the bile rose in his throat.


	12. Chapter 12

He sat in the grass for a while. While the nausea had subsided, the anxiety riddled throughout his body would not go away.

If only he could get his hands to stop shaking then he could just..he could get up. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to go through what he learned in therapy.

He did his best to stand up, his body still shaking, but he knew deep down he...he needed to be in there. So he stood up, pulled his hood over his head once more and walked towards the back entrance he’d used to sneak in. This time however it wasn’t his anxiety that had stopped him.

The paps must’ve gotten word that it was Louis in there because the entire entrance was blocked off with security, making sure no one was getting in.

He tried to push through, believe me he did. He tried. But every time he pushed past a photographer he was pushed back by another. After one last push he fell to the ground, and let out another sob.

He laid there on the ground, hearing the paps yell as nurses and doctors passed by through the window. That’s when he got the alert on his phone.

It’s terrifying how one little ding, one pop up notification can rip out your entire soul.

_Former One Direction member, musician Louis Tomlinson, dead at 34._

He pushed himself off the ground. He felt like a ghost. Like someone had just beaten him to a pulp before ripping his heart out his chest. He walked away from the crowd. Away from where the fans were slowly gathering. Away from the pain.

No end in sight, just...away.


	13. Chapter 13

“What happened next?” the producer asked

“What do you mean?” Zayn bit his lip, wiping away the tears he’d just spent pouring out for the past 30 minutes.

“Well there was a funeral and-”

“And I went…”

“Well the other’s said…”

“I know what they said okay but...i was there. I was there.”

They had a private funeral for him. It was closed off to only friends and family, but nonetheless it was still crowded with paps and then of course fans wanting to pay their respects. 

The truth is the reason the boys didn’t see him there was because he felt ashamed. He felt ashamed that he’d spent so many years holding disdain for a person who treated him so warm. He felt ashamed that it took him 10 years to make a fucking apology.

He felt ashamed that he couldn’t get through a panic attack and was too scared of his own brain to be there for Louis. He felt ashamed because everything Harry had told him was right. 

No matter how much he wanted to spin it his way, he knew deep down that he was a coward. Maybe not on purpose. But in his heart he was.

That’s why he stood in the back of the crowd. That’s why he avoided glances and the boys. That’s why when Liam collapsed against the grave sobbing he didn't go running to help. He didn’t comfort Niall who he’d never seen more broken in his life and he didn’t hold Harry and tell him he was sorry for everything. Sorry for breaking the thing he loved.

So he stood back, waiting for the crowd to disappear. That’s when he approached the grave. 

Zayn didn’t have any more tears left to cry. He’d drained them all out over the past week. So he just sat there, knelt by Louis grave and talked to him. He told him everything he’d planned to say when he came to visit. Every apology, everything he was grateful for in their friendship, that he loved him.

It didn’t hurt him anymore when he saw the voicemail pop up on his phone. When he heard Harry angry and disappointed on the other line. He knew he deserved it.

But at least he was aware now.


	14. Chapter 14

Harry pulled another beer out of the fridge and passed it to Liam before flopping on the couch. He took a sip, before letting out a sigh. He checked his phone.

“Niall should be back soon,” he said, looking through his texts to his friend. “Said he found a couple other photos of Louis he wanted to put in the vid”

Liam nodded and took a sip. 

“I think it’s a good idea...I think he would’ve loved it and..and well the fans will love it,” Liam said, running his hand through his hair. He looked over at Harry who was still staring at his phone, scrolling through what looked like a photo album. “You know it’s okay if you want to talk about it.” 

Harry shook his head, “I’m fine, really I am.” He turned his phone over and placed his hands in his lap. Harry played around with the ring on his finger. Something he fidgeted with often when he was feeling uncomfortable. 

Liam sighed, scooching over next to his friend and pulling him in for a hug, rubbing circles on his back gently. “Breathe,” he whispered. “Just let it out and breathe.” 

Harry’s lip began to shake as he followed Liam’s breathing. Just silent cries came from both of them as they waited.

"I just miss him," Harry whisper cried. "I just want him back."

Liam nodded, "shh I know love, I know." 

There was nothing else he could say. Nothing to make the pain Harry felt go away, nothing to make his own pain go away. All they could do is just...be there for each other.


	15. Chapter 15

Niall was sitting outside on the steps of the studio when Zayn walked out. 

“Hey” he said softly to the older man.

“Hey” Zayn whispered, wondering if it was noticeable he’d been crying nonstop. When he sat next to Niall he noticed he wasn’t the only one. The blue-eyed boy’s eyes were bloodshot, but he still forced a smile when Zayn sat next to him.

“Why didn’t you leave?” Zayn asked, picking at the gravel beneath his feet.

“Because you needed me,” Niall replied quietly, looking up at Zayn. “Friends don’t leave friends Zayn.”

Zayn shook his head. How in the world this boy still cared for him through all these years was unbelievable. “The world doesn’t deserve you Niall Horan,” he smiled weakly. “I don't deserve you.”

“You’re not a bad guy Zayn,” he said. “You’ve made mistakes but you’re not a bad guy. Anyone with half a brain knows that.”

“I don’t know about that,” Zayn whispered.

“I do,” Niall responded. “No matter how many things were said they never stopped caring about you.” He looked Zayn in the eyes. “I promise.”

“I’m pretty sure Harry hates my guts,” said Zayn.

Niall shook his head. “You’re misunderstanding hate for grief,” he explained. “Harry doesn’t hate you, he's just… he’s in pain Zayn. Losing you felt like losing a brother and now he’s lost his closest friend and he just feels…”

“Empty”

“Yeah”

Niall pushed himself off the step and reached out his hand to Zayn, “cmon, I want you to go somewhere with me.” 

“Where?”

“Doesn’t matter, just get in.” Niall said, opening up his car door. “I promise you, it’ll change your mind.”

Zayn sighed, standing up and following Niall into his car. He looked around as they drove deeper into London until they approached a home. He pulled off and parked, leading Zayn up to the door. He turned to his friend before knocking, “trust me,” Niall said calmly, placing a hand on the older boy's shoulder.

A tall handsome figure approached, his eyes red and cheeks flushed. Zayn took a deep breath when he opened the door. Seconds felt like hours in his mind, but a smile formed on the man's face. 

He didn’t say a word, he just pulled Zayn inside before giving him a long, much needed hug. Niall stepped inside and saw Harry in the back, the disheveled man looking unsure of how to react. He gave him a head nod to walk out, and Harry followed, watching as Liam squeezed the life out of Zayn.

“I missed you lad,” he said. “Fuck I missed you so much.” Liam smiled sweetly as he pulled away.

They both turned towards Harry, Zayn taking a deep breath and walking forward. Harry did the same, before they were facing eachother again.

“I’m sorry” they both said, almost simultaneously. 

Zayn looked confused. “Why are you sorry?”

Harry sighed. “I said a lot of hurtful things and I…”

“They were warranted,” Zayn cut him off.

“But they weren’t, at least not the early ones. Not..not when you left and I just want you to know I regret every word.”

Zayn felt relief for the first time in years and all he could do is let out a laugh. He pulled Harry in close to him and held him tighter than he’d ever held him before. 

Harry pulled away for a second. “You want a beer?” 

Zayn nodded, smiling again. Feeling like for the first time in over a decade, he was with his family again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Are you crying? Hate me for writing such a painful story? Wanna kill me for killing Louis? Well no worries, because I have an alternative ending! Check it out under my other works :)


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